Question : Hesitant on divorce due to financial insecurities... best thing to do?
A bit long, please bare with me.The 411: I'm 22, live in NYC, been married for 2 yrs, my wife is 26. We have no kids, we don't own anything whatsoever, we just rent. We got married kinda quick and didn't live together right away (big mistake). She has a H-U-G-E untidiness(sp?)problem which has gotten out of control, we don't have sex anymore because of her apparent stress-related, ongoing menstrual disorder, she shows no compassion whatsoever, all her conversations with me are about financial issues, she never asks how I'm doing or anything. I've tried everything from putting my foot down to being polite to buying flowers to recommending physicians to cleaning the ENTIRE house up myself in one day (took 9 hrs) only to have her mess it up all over again. I got us into counseling a couple months ago, it only lasted 3 sessions because she said "I don't feel like fixing things right now because when I wanted to fix things, you didn't want to fix things (not true), right now I'm depressed over the fact that I'm 26 and not where I wanna be in life." She didn't even give counseling a chance, we spent 2 of 3 sessions telling the doc our backstory. It could have worked, I felt like it was going to work because we were both getting our emotional baggage out in the open without getting into a fight.For the past few months, I've been living at my father's place because our house is very unhealthy physically and emotionally (you can't even sleep on the bed, looks like God pooped on it), fruit fly epidemic, I'd go into more detail but I don't wanna get too graphic, just think "Superdome" and "Hurricane Katrina" minus the flooding/death. But my father's place isn't exactly the best place to be, but it is a step up from my place because my father works with me to help keep the place more tidy than our place. However, it's not good because my mom has alzheimer's and my older sister is mentally retarded, so it's like having two additional kids in the house, they make a mess of the Apt. with food, important things missing, bladder, #2, etc. I'll stop before it gets too disgusting. So my place and his have SOME similarities. You may say get a divorce, I'd love to but what's holding me back?1) If I divorce her and let her keep that (once upon a time) nice apartment, I could stay at my dad's, save up money to get another place, right? But I'm worried about my dad becoming too overwhelmed by my sister/mother and dying (he's 62), I have no other family to run to unlike most people. I'd be screwed. He keeps telling me that he's not gonna die anytime soon, but I worry nonetheless, I feel like I'm hanging on a thread, ya know? I wish he was in his 50s right now. He can't even have any help come over to take care of both of them, there would be no room in the place for an extra person and he doesn't wanna put them in a home.2) If I divorce her and I keep the place, fix it up, etc. There still remains the issue of financial security. Where I work, I make $12/hr, full time. Not a livable wage right? That Apt. is $800/month, cable/internet + light/gas = about $1100 total. Then there's some bills and food, let's just round it all to $1500. I have like how much left over at the end of the month, $150-200? Give me a break.My main dream is to be a filmmaker/writer, I'm currently trying to get my scripts shown and what not, I workshop them as well, but it is a hard business to break into so obviously I have to do something "in the mean time". I'm not in school right now. My dad is trying to get me a doorman job, they make close to $30K, some even more. If I could get that job, that would help me make a decision a lot faster. However, if I can't get that, then the only other thing I wish to do is go to school for Medical Billing/Coding. There's not much jobs you can get around here WITHOUT some kind of degree. Why doorman and Medical billing/coding? Because I simply don't mind them for one, my dad lives in a doorman bldg. and I know how it works, and some medical billing co. allow you to work at home AFTER you work for them for a specific period of time and meet their requirements, plus I don't mind office work at all.You can imagine how frustrated I am. Here I am, withholding on divorce for the sake of financial insecurities. I'm stuck between waiting on this doorman thing (my dad is supposed to hear back from someone who's working on it, it's been a week and half) and signing up for medical billing course. Please don't lecture me on money isn't everything, it is, how else are you living where you are right now? How else are you paying for your food, clothes, and all the other things you're able to do? Vacation? Gifts? Businesses? Money IS everything. Let's face it, love won't pay the bills. Don't get me wrong, I'm not materialistic, I just wanna play this thing the right way because I realize I'm young, smart, a great guy, what not. I wanna make the right choices and eventually, someday, have a family of my own, one whereas in if my son or grandson faces a similar situation, he WILL have relatives to come to for help unlike me.Anyways, I'm going on and on, I'm sorry, I'll stop. Any insightful advice about this dire situation? All jokes aside, serious responses please, I'd really appreciate it.
- asked by platinum steve
All Answers:
Answer #1
Well, there are ways around lots of your financial woes. First of all, you have
to decide what is important to you being happy or watching cable. You have to
be the one who decides what you are willing to live without for awhile.
Sacrifice is tough but the end result is magnificant! If you get this doorman
job, great, if not, then move on and look other places. Don't put all your
hopes into one perspective job.If you are that miserable in your marriage, then
you need to just let her go and keep the place for yourself. It may be tight,
and you may have a struggle ahead, but at that point it's YOUR struggle. You
don't have anyone bringing you down.It sounds like you are busy living life with
the "what if's" running like crazy through your head. Make it a reality and
then go from their. You can't stop doing what you want because "what if..."Hope
this helps!
- answered by Tee
Answer #2
O.K. Steve. You will need to take things one step at a time. First thing is
giving your wife an ultimatum! You have to at least do this. If she reacts in
the same Ho Hum manner, then the next step is to get out of Dodge. Well,
specifically N.Y.! It's too expensive for a non-degree employee! Pick a state,
google hot spots for employment, and save up as much as you can. File for
divorce, tell your wife bye! (She should not be surprised by this! You were to
give her an ultimatum) If you have relatives out of state this might be a good
start. Get rid of all get rich quick schemes! This includes writing scripts
without having a degree. Your scripts make it as far as the circular file and
that's it. I guarantee that this is the case since my chat Friend reads these
things and says that if the person doesn't have a degree they just say thanks
and when their back is turned it goes directly into the garbage! If you have no
skills then you take what you can get. Last ditch effort, become a truck driver!
They make 50-75 K.
- answered by delux_version
Answer #3
Steve, you need to take one problem at a time. You are overwhelmed right now,
and it is understandable.You need to prioritize what to do FIRST. My opinion, is
to take your immediate situation with your wife, and ask yourself, do you really
want to stay in a relationship that is so inundated with problems? You have been
married for such a short time. You really do not want a relationship that is so
much work, and full of heartache in the first few years. You and your wife seem
to have so many differences, and that, in itself can take its toll on any
marriage.You seem to have exhausted all the avenues to repair your marriage.
Couples should not have to overcome so many obstacles,yes, marriage is work,
however, when the" bad days" far supass the "good", I feel, to disolve the
marriage would be in your best interest. As far as your apartment, this is just
an idea, how about finding a roomate(when wife is gone)until you can financially
afford it on your own. Make sure you find someone who is compatable. I love New
York,(no pun intended) and I think you should stay there, especially to pursue
your avenue of career choice.New York(born there) is the city to offer so many
opportunities. I am sorry your family can not help financially, but MORAL
support is vital. If you take one issue at a time, (trust me here) you will get
throught all this. I know you are hesitant, to make changes in ones life is not
easy, however, don't panic, one day at a time, and you WILL get to were you want
to go. Good Luck, and hang in there.
- answered by irish17
Answer #4
You are so hung up on life. The answer to your problem is right in front of you.
If you want a life for yourself get a divorce and make your life the kind YOU
WANT. You are wasting valuable time. Good Luck
- answered by andyt
Answer #5
You are compounding the issues a bit. The financial situation and marriage do
not go necessarily hand in hand. You cannot be productive in either one of the
environments that you have described. The marriage seems all but a formality. If
I ever heard of irreconciliable differences you and your wife have it. The only
motivation to stay is her financial contribution. You however are suggesting
living with her in order to afford the hell hole that you described. Your other
option was to be a doorman/ starving artist in order to live in your dad's
place. i agree that you need to find another place to live. You are in NYC maybe
you can commute from Jersey ( I know) or upstate in Westchester or Dutchess
county considerable less money for rent. You can commute to pursue your goal as
a film writer and do your 9-5 where you live. Hey a new start. Upstate you could
get a correction officier job with benefits and more money than the doorman.
Kind of a doorman job right? State benefits are pretty good. Meet interesting
people. They also have a program that will help you to relocate either Fishkill
or up that way any way. It's not NYC but it is only an hour commute on Metro
North. Well there are a few suggestions. Good Luck.
- answered by newyorktilson
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